***Update at the bottom***
Before I get to the debacle that my blog title hints at, let’s discuss our story. The next hot scene and I do mean HOT, will be posted by the weekend. I’m having a blast writing Xander and Naomi. Can’t wait for you guys to read this next one!
Now *closes eyes and then takes a deeply calming breath before I open them again* Let us talk about the drive with Honey. Normally I fly and Honey drives his truck when we go to visit our son. Why you may ask? Well, Honey likes to fix things so he needs his manly tools. Me? All I need is a laptop…of course things with that would have been SO much easier this trip if I’d remembered my list of passwords. *Shakes head* Anyways back to the topic at hand. Honey was going to take a break from fixing our child’s home this time around, so he wanted me to drive with him since we were taking my car and there was plenty of room. I didn’t even blink at the thought of spending copious hours belted in the seat beside him until…well here’s how I’ll break it down.
To set the scene we’re halfway through the drive. We have several more hours to go, but overall it’s been fun. Honey can be quiet charming when he wants to be. 
Me? Yeah, not so much when I get bored. I hate being bored. When this happens I start looking for distractions. *Cue music* Dum-da-da-dum.
There I am enjoying the rapidly passing landscape, when my line of sight is interrupted by a big semi that barreled by us. It woke me right up. “Wow. Nice. What a sparkly truck.” Seriously, it had all kinds of patterned steel covering it. The sunshine tinged off it like the rays of light do on those toothpaste commercial model’s pearly whites when they smile at you.
Honey does one of his pffts sounds and says, “Look at that piece of torn mud flap hanging off that rig. A big company like that should have taken care of it. It’s dangerous.”
What did I think about that? Nothing. Nada. I didn’t even see the mud flap. I was too busy admiring the sparkle. Go figure.
A few minutes later something else captures my attention and I say, “Ooh, look at the pooch. Isn’t he cute?” Truthfully, he was hanging too far out his owner’s window at this break-neck speed for my comfort, but he was really sweet all windblown and disheveled.
“That guy better be careful. It isn’t safe for his dog to be doing that.”
“You think he’s hanging too far out the window too?”
“Yes. Hang on.” Right then Honey does the equivalent of the reach around, and puts his arm out to somehow protect me. Clearly he hadn’t spied the rather tightly slung seatbelt that had me pinned to the upholstery. “We have to avoid the senior hazard.”
Sure enough, the big blue car beside us veers into our lane and Honey has to pull a defensive driving Maneuver <- I say maneuver, because I like how that word falls off my tongue. Honey hates how I say it because I pronounce it by drawing it out, like Mun oover. Heh.
*Blinks* Where was I? Oh yeah. So, after we miss being side-swiped by an older gentleman who used his big-ass steering wheel as a ladder to climb up so he could see the road, I can only say I was impressed. “How did you know that guy was going to come into our lane?”
“The Bob’s barricades. The second a white knuckler sees those set up on the shoulder, they straddle the lines.”
You see? Me? I would have been totally oblivious of the impending action until it happened. It must be a man thing. *shrug*
*Now, imagine me whistling sweet nothings here for a few minutes until a random thought comes to me*
“I think we should go up north for Christmas this year.”
Honey nods so I’m anticipating a favorable answer, and what do I get? “I think I have a bone chip on my knee.”
*Imagine me doing a double take here* Talk about random.
“If you have a bone chip on anything, it’s on your brain. Bone chip.” I snort.
He wasn’t the least be put off. “Maybe it’s mesothelioma”
*Insert the mighty snow globe here*
*I pull down my sunglasses and hike a brow at him. “Have you been watching that documentary on asbestos again?”
According to him he hadn’t. Must have been a residual idea leftover from the last time he watched that very sad show. *Insert me doing a big sigh here* Because for the next hour I was treated to outrageous and probably totally exaggerated facts of the most bizarre kinds of shite imaginable he had watched on his stupid documentaries. I was laughing so hard at one point that it occurred to me. Honey and I have been together for so long, and here we were in a car together for eight hours and I was enjoying the hell out of it. That’s something right?
Wrong.
I should have known. There I was thinking how great this was, and then? He spies a cloud in the sky directly in front of us. He motions to it, saying, “That’s the finger of some higher being out there pointing the way.”
I’m not going to lie, the cloud did look like an arrowhead sort of, but on the other hand…I deadpanned. “It looks like a well-endowed male appendage doing the big shooting finale.”
Honey did a lame gasp. It really was. “Riley Murphy!” And then shook his head.
I of course, warmed up to the subject. “It does. Look. There’s little dot like clouds that appear to be pelting out of the tip at precise intervals.”
That made him laugh. I love when he laughs. But then what did I see to distract me? “Oh! Look. There’s an antique mall at the next exit.”
He never even turned. “There sure is. Guess what else there is? An adult X store. It’s a supercenter.”
*Pulls down sunglasses and looks right at you thinking, Of course there is!”
Men! I do my best to ignore all the suggestive remarks that ensued about what we might have found there, and say, “Hey, there’s a seafood place in 8 miles. It says they have crabs.”
“Hm. You know what else there is up ahead? I saw a sign for Café (I’ve redacted the real name on account of me not wanting to be sued, but I can tell you it was a sexually suggestive name…just saying) and it’s only 4 miles. They bare all, and guess what? Couples are very welcome.”
There I am thinking men must have some kind of sexual threshold or something. He certainly seemed preoccupied during the last leg of our trip with the dirty. So I went snooty on him. “Very welcome, huh? Café (blank)…?” I mused. “They bare all, do they? I suppose they have crabs too…”
And he laughed again. So all in all, it was a fun ride.
But then the next few days weren’t fun because with Honey having time on his hands now that he was taking a break from fixing things, he put all his energy into selling the idea of stopping at that stupid bare all place on the ride home. Sheesh! *leans in to guiltily whisper* Meh, if we hadn’t run into bumper to bumper traffic for several arduous miles cutting into our drive time, I might have agreed to stop. Which reminds me of the last time I frequented such an establishment. Remember this? Lol! Can I just say our navigational system is nothing but a source of torture for me? Did I mention it’s still speaking and reading in French? I have no idea how I managed that one.
Honey was pretty good about it. His only comment? “Gee, babe, I’m surprised you’re not bilingual by now. How long has it been? Eight months?”
I was going to laugh, but then I realized he was right. From now on when I’m in the car I’m not going to mute her. Wouldn’t that freak him out? I can see it now.
“Hey babe, where are we going?”
“Nous allons au magasin , tourner à droite.” (We’re going to the store, turn right.)
*Looks right at you*
Listen to her? Hell no! I could google the crap out of translations and just script it. Hahaha! I’ll have to think about this. *Twirls my handlebar mustache*
Yes I will definitely give this some thought. >:)
But before I pull off that caper, Xander and Naomi are up next.
Hope everyone is having a great week.
Thanks for stopping by!
Riley
UPDATE!!!
I forgot the best part about the drive! *snap* We had this discussion about some of the research I had to do with PUSHED. It covered being indoctrinated. LMAO! After I explained everything I learned on the topic to Honey, he asked, “That’s kind of like what chicks do to a guy when they’re dating them, isn’t it?” I didn’t disagree. Au contraire. I was happy to tell him that what one partner typically does to the other (according to my research and without knowing it themselves) is brainwash their mates. I then went into great details about our past that highlighted some classic techniques I may have used on him. Honey got very quiet after that. Hehehe. I had so much fun! Poor guy!
Oh, I also forgot to mention that there will be another item added to the giveaway too!